If you’d told me a few years ago I’d be astral projecting, communicating with the dead, and having sex with aliens, I would’ve asked you what kind of drugs will I be on and can I have them now. If you’d told me I’d experience all of the above, completely sober (except for the occasional Ayahuasca trip), I definitely wouldn’t have believed you. For years I dabbled in drugs to have these types of experiences. I also spent eight years addicted to prescription medication, so I couldn’t feel.
I ended a ten-year toxic relationship that constantly triggered my unconscious abandonment wounds. I was addicted to the adrenaline rush of the flight or fight mode. I gained over eighty pounds in about five years. It was no surprise that the last time I decided to flight, he didn’t want to fight for me anymore.
In less than one year, I lost my fiancé, home, dog, job, and most of my friends. That’s what we like to call a TOWER MOMENT in tarot! So one has three options when they hit rock bottom- I could keep doing what I was doing, which was popping Adderall like mints and drinking all day so I could pass out by 8 p.m. It probably would have led to an early death, though.
Or I could kill myself now. Even though I’d thought about it since the age of eleven, I knew it was cleaner and at least fun to be reckless. Mixing uppers and downers was like a game of roulette; if I lost, some would think it was an accident. Or option three, I could change.
This sudden urge was exalted by my vain rock bottom of gaining eighty-five pounds and a meme I saw on social media. It said something like, YOU ARE WHO YOU ATTRACT. I was in a complete state of pain and victimhood, so it made sense. I had to change, so I would NEVER attract someone like him again!
This conscious decision sent me down a rabbit hole of shadow work, quantum physics, and yoga therapy. It created a ripple effect that ultimately led to a “spiritual awakening” and the hard truth that I wasn’t the victim. We create our lives, and I’d created this whole mess. I unconsciously invited it.
Before you run away, let me assure you I’m not some bible-thumper, heathen, or trippy-hippie. The above experience is what many refer to as a “dark night of the soul,” and even though I didn’t know this term at the time (and I cringe at the thought of sounding self-righteous or cliché), it’s just the simplest way to describe it. It starts with shifting blame from others to yourself- a form of completely tearing yourself down, so you can slowly rebuild.
It’s a painful and lonely process, and once you’ve awakened, you can never go back, even if you want to. Sure, being drunk, suppressing emotions, and avoiding responsibilities with like-minded “friends” could be alluring, especially in contrast to being a complete outcast. Still, I discovered that trying to fit back in was more isolating than just being alone. Have you ever been in a room full of people you used to have a blast with and wondered, what the hell am I even doing here?
A year later, I could be in a room full of drugs and alcohol and not partake or get triggered. The next question was, did I even want to be invited now? The answer was no, although I appreciate not being kicked to the curb immediately since I realize it was just as uncomfortable for them. As soon as I made this other conscious decision, I received a phone call about something I’d been actively thinking about for a year.
I met a woman at a sweat hut a year earlier whom I overheard talking about Ayahuasca. My ears perked up as I’d been curious about this plant medicine for over twelve years as an alternative treatment to my depression. There was no way I was primed for it back then, though. I’ve learned the universe will only bring opportunities to you as you’re ready.
We exchanged numbers, and within an hour of deleting several phone numbers and people from my social media accounts, I heard from her again. I received an invitation to my first ceremony. I clicked on my Google Photos app and looked at the photo from the sweat hut. It was taken EXACTLY a year ago, TO THE DAY!
Whatever you want to call prayer, manifestation, God, or the universe- it’s tomato tomahto to me now. I couldn’t deny the synchronicities that were occurring due to me becoming more conscious, aware, and open to something I couldn’t see or hear. With the help of these energies to push forward my effort, I did more for myself in one year than numerous psychiatrists and pills had done for me in ten. I’m completely off all medication now, rarely drink alcohol, and I’ve lost about seventy pounds, all naturally.
Believe me when I say it wasn’t easy, and there’s no finish line. I’m passionate about personal development, plant medicine, holistic living, spirituality, quantum physics, metaphysics, and occultism. All of these subjects intertwine. I’ve been interested in many of these topics since I was a kid but suppressed these interests because I was told they were “weird” and “evil.” Now I know it’s NOT evil, and yes, I’m weird. People are always going to talk shit, so might as well be authentic. At least that way, they’ll have accurate information when they talk.
I’m not claiming to be an expert on any of this subject matter. I just want to help make some of these esoteric topics less taboo. I want others to know they’re not crazy. What shows up in our lives is an algorithm comprised of our thoughts, feelings, and subconscious beliefs. Perhaps you’ve stumbled upon this blog for more of a reason than just entertainment.
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed physician. Anything expressed in my videos, website, and all social media accounts is my personal opinion and should be viewed for entertainment purposes only.
