I packed about six pairs of underwear for a weekend trip. I didn’t know what to expect. All I knew was what I saw on a show called Drug Inc., and I was ready to purge! I felt I’d done all the healing I could do on my own and needed some assistance with the next layer.
I felt very strongly that ayahuasca could take me there. When I arrived at the location, it felt like middle school all over again as I looked for a place to sit. Many of the people there already knew each other and had taken ayahuasca before, so I was the new kid. No one I knew back home was into any of this stuff, so I felt ahead of the game there.
Not here, though. I felt like an imposter. My head screamed, “You don’t belong here, and everyone knows it!” Now I know this was just my ego looking for a way out, but at the time, I didn’t. Prior, I had no hesitation about participating in this ceremony.
My ego latched on to this first uncomfortable opportunity. The fear now settled in. A couple of hours later, the ceremony started. I knew there was no turning back and threw the small cup of plant medicine down my throat.
Everyone sat in a circle for about twenty minutes, and then it kicked in. This cup was everything you’d think psychedelics would be. I saw colors, fractals, and sacred geometry. I danced with all of them!
I don’t know how much time passed, but it felt like they offered the second cup shortly after. If I’d known the second dose wouldn’t be as pleasant, I wouldn’t have been first in line. Soon after, it felt like gravity pressed my face down to Earth. I had a rush of forgotten childhood memories about not feeling safe, and I wanted to go home.
I resented my parents for not protecting me and allowing perverts around. It always made me question my reality because they just brushed everything off. I constantly second-guessed myself and sought validation from others. I was very resentful and angry with men.
These were all unconscious reactions I still carried with me. I also forgot how much I hated to throw up. I whimpered as I dry heaved into my bucket. I didn’t want to make too much noise and bother anyone.
It was silly because everyone else was practically screaming into theirs. I spent the rest of the ceremony in the fetal position and in the bathroom (yes, you can make it to the toilet in time). The next night was even more challenging because I had a full-on exorcism. Immediately after drinking the medicine, I felt nauseous.
I still couldn’t get myself to throw up in front of everyone, so I proceeded to the bathroom. When I got there, I avoided the mirror and sat on the toilet with my head in my hands. One of the female guardians knocked on the door and asked if I was okay. I opened the door with the fakest smile and said I was fine.
I tried to walk back to the ceremony but had only made it a few steps when I remembered a conversation I heard her husband have earlier that day. He told another woman, “One of the most selfish things a person can do is not ask for help.” His words echoed like he was right there saying it to me now. I stopped and turned around, and his wife was right behind me as if she knew what I was going to say next.
“No, I’m not okay,” I confessed. She opened her arms, and I collapsed into them. My knees buckled, and I fell to the floor. I started dry heaving.
I felt this vast energy trying to escape my heart. It made its way up my throat and out my mouth. It was so harsh it thrashed my head back. I cried, and the sobs were not my own.
The sound of my voice was completely different. It was accompanied by the deepest, saddest groans I’ve ever heard. Four of the guardians were now with me. There were only six in total, so I thought, this must be serious if most of them are here!
They were whispering things to one another. One woman sprayed me with something while another fanned me with feathers. I could see silhouettes out of the corner of my eyes, but I didn’t want to look. I knew if I did, I would just freak out even more.
The female guardian who found me in the bathroom suggested I find my center and return to the room. She felt hearing the music and being around other people would help me feel better. After several attempts, I was able to walk back. I laid flat on my back as my upper body twitched profusely.
Suddenly I thought, I submit myself to a vegetative state, and my limbs turned into spaghetti. My arms, chest, and shoulders were still moving, but I could no longer feel the painful convulsions. I saw three beings above me. I could only see them from their torso up, but they were bold, primary colors and looked like they were outlined with a very thick Sharpie.
They wore surgical masks, and their arms faced down toward my heart. I started crying. I couldn’t feel the tears, but I knew they were there. The next thing I remember was feeling like I was in the Who Framed Roger Rabbit movie.
I felt everyone and everything celebrating me. I thought, how did I forget how strong I am?! Each ceremony lasts about eight hours, and they offer three cups. They barely started offering the second cup as I was coming down. That means it had only been about two and a half hours of the longest night of my life!
I declined the other cups. I noticed everyone started tripping hard once I came down. It was like the other people in the room allowed all of the guardian’s attention to be towards me for my trip. I now felt support from these people and not intimidation.
The next day I went outside, and all the colors looked softer. I felt softer. My mom died when I was ten, and I was told a grief entity attached itself to me during this time because I was a vibrational match. I never properly processed her death because my family didn’t like to talk about feelings.
Shortly after, I went through puberty, so everyone just assumed that hormones were the reason why I was now emotional. But ayahuasca LITERALLY lifted a weight from my chest. It’s hard to realize you live with so much pain when you’re just used to it. I also have compassion for this grief entity.
I understand from another perspective this energy attached itself to me because that’s how it survives- it just wanted to feed and thus live. Sound familiar? I also realized most of my romantic relationships didn’t work because I was guarded and never fully let them in. And most of my female friendship problems were because I was subconsciously trying to heal my mommy wound.
I wanted to be accepted and loved by women. I was unconsciously attracting more masculine females into my life, though. I people pleased the wrong ones and maybe pushed away some of the right ones. I must establish clear boundaries whilst staying soft and open now.
My first ayahuasca experience was one of the most challenging experiences. It was also the most beautiful and undoubtedly life-changing. It was a decade of psycho-therapy packed into one weekend. Ayahuasca did more for me in two days than a decade of doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, and prescription medication ever did.
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed physician. Anything expressed in my videos, website, and all social media accounts is my personal opinion and should be viewed for entertainment purposes only.
